Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm passing your future prison.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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