wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
