someone threw a dead crab at me
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
