Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
