A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
