my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
