i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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