Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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