On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
