yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
