Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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