Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
