I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
