I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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