Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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