Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am naked and annoyed.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
