my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
