wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
