my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
