since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize