Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
