why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You may now shotgun with the bride
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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