dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
