No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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