Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize