I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
