I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
