So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I want a musical about memes.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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