whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
