dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it glows. i had to have it.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize