is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
