He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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