ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize