True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
