woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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