I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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