So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
