so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
