I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
