Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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