when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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