you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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