I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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