The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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