Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize