I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
