They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize