It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
