I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
you had me at cake vodka
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
