Rock
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Fuck
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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