You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
