Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
