I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
