Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
