there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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