I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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