Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
