"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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