i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
