hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
