Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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